Shhhhhhhhhh.........
Come a little closer.......
I have something to tell you.....just between you and I....
I did something bad..........
I sabotaged,.... I corrupted,.... I befuddled,.... and I did all that was humanly possible...... to win the Garden Circle Blog race of 2007.
It all started the evening before the race. I waited till everyone's blog was asleep and then I donned a black mask.....and tiptoed thru some blogs of fellow racers. I snuck over to Shandies blog first, (I can never figure out the time differences between us, but all that I knew was that she was ahead of me). I fed her Go-Kat bushels of catnip. On race day her Go- Kat bolted from the starting line, ever so fast, gaining speed with each blog lap, till the middle of the race when the Go-Kat started to falter......it coughed and coughed and sputtered...and came to a complete stop. When I raced past Shandie's GO-Kat it was hacking up fur balls and catnip and Shandie was spoon feeding it caster oil...
I snuck over to Farmer Jone's blog and stuffed his exhaust pipes full of potatoes. The day of the race as he fed more and more beans into his gas driven machine, there was a huge explosion. Mashed potatoes covered everything behind him... including SugarPi,... her headlights blinded. She swerved,... he swerved.... and they ended up colliding in a huge heap. When I passed them on the next race lap, SugarPi was waving her rolling pin at Farmer Jones and threatening to turn him into succotash...
I tiptoed over to Misty's blog in the dead of night and with a giant fork I poked holes into her Sausage mobile. The next day of the race, Misty shifted into second gear and sped past me. When I caught up with her on the third lap of the race, her sausages were smoked. She came to a rolling stop with her wheels burned down to nothing but the casings. I grinned wickedly and waved as I went by, I think she knew it was me but couldn't prove it.
When the day of the race came, I took my place in the starting line-up. We were off and I was behind Buffy. I zigzagged back and forth till I was able to over take her. I waited till she was directly behind me and then I had the gnome baby chuck eggs at Buffy till he made a direct hit and she careened into a ditch. I watched her crawl out of her go-cart and scratch her head and look under her rooster mounted on the hood of her cart. I threw back my head and laughed with glee and sped on....
I sped past Dixe, it was easy, her computer kept freezing up. Cyn was ahead of her. Her frog go-cart hopping fast. I could see the sparkley pixie dust in her wake. I shifted again and put my pedal to the floor. I was neck and neck with her as we took the hairpin turns. I edged ahead and took advantage. I tossed dirty diapers from baby gnome Fuddy in front of her racing go-cart. Her frog go-cart skidded and tried to hop,.... It was a messy pile-up as she spun out of control and collided with Dixie. When the smoke cleared Dixie found a large frog licking the side of her cheek before it finally croaked.... I raced on.....
There was Angie and Victoria ahead of me...In their Flower Power go-cart. I sped faster, they sped faster. Angie took the lead and I frowned. I released a swarm of bees from my beehive hair do, and they quickly descended upon the go-cart of flowers. Angie swerved back and forth swatting at the bees. She careened into a pond and started to sink... I waved and mumbled under my breath,..."flowers like water Angie"., as she waved her fist in the air back at me ....
All that was left ahead of me was Gloggy and Wukky. They were evenly matched racing side by side. I sped faster creeping up the middle till I was between them. The three of us racing like daredevils. Wukky on my left and Gloggy on my right. I told Fudwocket to tighten his seatbelt. I opened the bubble hatch and yelled as loudly as I could over the screaming engines at Wukky. I yelled to him that Gloggy said that go-cart design made his butt look big.... He frowned and yelled "What?"...and I looked over at Gloggy and winked.
In a split second I stepped on my brakes and fell behind the two of them just in time to see Gloggy giving Wukky a wink that was intended for me. Wukky, outraged at the cheeky Kiwi, stood up in the seat of his go-cart and with one foot on the steering wheel, dropped his drawers and mooned Gloggy.
Gloggy choked on an olive from his martini and threw up his hands to shield his eyes from the blinding sight. He crashed into a hotdog stand on the side of the road, where Misty was trying to pick up a spare frankfurter or two. Wukky roared with laughter and then his foot slipped and hit the gearshift. He shot back into reverse and hit a tree and bounced forward taking out 30 feet of wooden fencing. When I sped past him he was yelling about someone or something being a pain in the butt. Nurses Suzi and Theresa rushed to his side and were seen checking him out for splinters.... and asking "where does it hurt'?
I hunkered down low in my Fudwocket Rocket Go-cart and sped on, the finish line was in my view. I could see up in the stands, Teddy, Bonnie and Sue trying to start a wave. Fuddy at my side in the passenger's seat, was gurgling and giggling and eating oreo cookies. As we got closer to the finish line, Fuddy spied the judges Vero, Judy, JD and the head judge Mac. In his excitement he tossed a cookie. It beaned Mac in the middle of his forhead and knocked him out cold.
I crossed the finish line.... wanting to win.....
I hugged the blog racing corners close....and at times.... only on one wheel.
I read the map wrong....got lost and confused...... (ate way too many sausages in the week preceding the race) ...and my team member beaned a judge with an oreo cookie.
They say confession is good for the soul......
So I will tell one and all I am guilty, guilty, guilty......and guilty!
Who knew being guilty could be so much fun?...
The only defense I can give is......
(Don't groan)......
I wasn't running on all cylinders!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment