Chainsaw Massacre...

 

It had been sitting out in the garage for several weeks before I finally got the nerve up to even take it out of it's box. It wasn't a big one, not even one of the traditional ones. It was a baby. A 14 incher. An easy plug and go type, and yet it still was a bit intimidating.

I blame it on my mother. I blame it on my brothers. I blame it on every 911 emergency episode I have watched on tv. But I finally got brave enough to take it out of the box.

I had a new electric chain saw. The box it's self, didn't look all that big. The power tool didn't seem all that heavy either. Just perfect I thought for my first foray into chainsaw adventures.

I read part of the instruction manual. Two thirds of it was in Spanish and French. Of the few pages I read, most were warnings of using the equipment. It gave me some more second thoughts. Stuff tends to do that when every paragraph sentence ended with "possible injury or death"...

I took a deep breath and took the bull by the horns, or in this case, the chainsaw by the handle. (Bytheway there are two handles and you are suppose to have both hands on the chainsaw handles at all times.) I filled the oil reserve, read about adjusting the blade, looked at the diagram for instructions of adjusting the blade chain, read it a third time, looked at my saw and sighed. Evidently the model must have changed and the instruction booklet hadn't. The pictures didn't match my saw. So I pulled on the chain a little, thought to myself, looks good enough and strung out my extension cord.

I braced myself for what I thought would be a rush of power and noise and pushed the lock release and the power button. Buzzzz... I had power, and it quickly cut thru the tiny test branch. I pushed the button again and sawed another little branch, and I cut a third branch before mentally kicking myself. You are suppose to push the oil button thingy between each cut. Doh! I pushed it three times for good measure. Mentally chanting my mantra of push the oil button as I sawed and sawed thru more branches.

I moved on to bigger branches. They took more effort. But they succumbed to my trusty little electric powered saw. I got bold, cutting willynilly thru the thicket. Yes, I wasn't really cutting a tree yet, but a thicket of overgrown bittersweet vines. I am not sure what possessed that crazy gardener to plant them in the first place but they had gone wild. They overtook the fence, clung to bushes, ran up a couple trees til the green branches swayed in the top of the tree canopy.

I buzzed my way thru the jungle. Stopping only when the cord came unplugged or a bit of leaves and branches got sucked in and clogged the chainsaw chamber. I felt empowered. It was a rhythmic ballet of sashaying chainsaw madness. I started sawing with one hand. (no I hadn't chopped off the other). I felt giddy with my quick success. I started cutting bigger branches, the saw balked at the prospects but eventually cut thru the thicker diameter. I cut a larger branch and heard the cracking and watched in slow motion as it almost beaned me in the head.

I was getting careless in my euphoria, and yet all that I could think of was that I needed more power. (just for you Mac, inserting the Tim the Toolman Taylor Arrrrrr...arrrrrr yell). I looked at my saw, and looked at the pine trees I needed to cut as well and sighed. It wasn't going to happen today. It wasn't going to happen with my little saw. I needed something bigger, I needed more power. I needed to call it quits for the day because it started to rain and I was going to electrocute myself with my electric chainsaw.

I sat in the garage for a bit while the rain fell and just looked at all my carnage. I fell empowered. I felt somehow justified that I hadn't hacked off any major bodily limbs or suffered any loss of life, and I went ahead and tried it despite all the naysayers and warnings and confusing directions.

Today I am debating on whether to make another trip to the hardware store to look at getting a bigger gas driven chainsaw. Should I attemp the tree removal on my own? Should I have someone else do it? Should I even be allowed near anything with more power with more instructions and warnings? I don't know....

I may be crazy, but I am not stupid... well, maybe just a little. I really did like having the power...

arrrrr.....arrrrr.....